Bad Language

Why do the say
‘the reason why’
when why is the reason,
and the reason is why?
Oh, boy, it annoys.
And there’s more that’s annoying.
They apostrophise esses
when they ain’t no possessives,
adjectivise ‘fun’ – and now
they’ve begun to computerise, mun!
lol! wtf! Wot’s the sense in that stuff?
They use fragments and run-ons.
Infinitives? Split!
(If the kingdom woz mine
I’d hang all the swine
wot use language like this).
College grads? College grads?
Their speling is loathsome.
If you just spel ‘dipploma’ right
these days – you get one.
Makes me sad and downhearted …
I shouldn’t of started.
In fact I’m so mad that
my scansion’s departed!
Wot cheeses me too
is (as everyone knows)
the much over-used ‘however’
acts as a sort of transitional adverb,
and should never, ever be used
as a conjunction, because, eejits,
the rule here is that
when it appears in a medial position,
unless it functions parenthetically
as an interrupter, it should not nohow
be neither preceded nor followed by a comma.
Use a semi-colon or a stop, you morons,
for gawd’s sake. Silly buggers
and stupid-arsed fools.
Larn to write proper, damn you!

From ‘Epigrams’