Monkey Business


Rumour of a Computer Salesman Loose in the Cloisters


All is serene and peaceful within the walls of St. Beregonne… but – what’s this?


Brother Ambrosius to Brother Boniface:

A stranger drove in through the gate
with one of those ‘clever-phones’ we hate…
and in his hands a plastic case!
Computer?!


Brother Boniface to Brother Constantine:

A computer salesman’s on the prowl.
He’s creeping through the cloisters now
with plastic cases, snooping round –
you’ll see him.


Brother Constantine to Brother Diodorus:

He is not tonsured; a suit he wears.
His clockwork mind’s on keyboards geared.
Should you meet him, have no fear –
but watch him.


Brother Diodorus to Brother Eusebius:

He’ll greet you with a genial smile.
Beware – it screens a loathsome guile;
a mind all clogged with pixelled bile.
Yesss…watch him!


Brother Eusebius to Brother Faustus:

He expects to collect a handsome fee,
accounting for that smile, you see –
– but has he brought the quills we need?
Far from it!


Brother Faustus to Brother Gerontius:

He’s come here boasting startling change,
our scriptures all to rearrange,
make outsize screens replace the page!
What nonsense!


Brother Gerontius to Brother Hieronymus:

His prophecies are empty shells
no crowds will he allure – well,
his gear is useless, we can tell,
confound him…


Brother Hieronymus to Brother Jerome:

Self-vaunted dabbler in machines,
he’s here to sell us crooked dreams.
We know what innovation means –
damnation!


Brother Jerome to Brother Leo:

His filthy stuff won’t work, I’ll bet.
But once he’s worried, he’ll be set
to blame the failures he has met
on brethren!


Brother Leo to Brother Marcus:

He’ll write foul letters to malign
us monks who will not toe his line,
the ones he’ll blame for doing fine
without him!


Brother Marcus to Brother Nicodemus:

Of all the fools we’ve suffered here
he takes the cake. Take cheer,
though, friends – let’s oust this mere…
technician!


Brother Nicodemus to Brother Orosius:

Why humour more this wicked man,
his twisted mind no better than
the world, which apes this utter sham?
Foul snooper!


Brother Orosius – in a bitter growl – to Brother Procopius:

Yes – if you see the swine today,
with wily smile but sales at bay,
do greet him in the proper way –
with curses!


Brother Procopius – spitting on the ground – to Brother Quintillius:

He’ll sit, the rat, for hours on end
conniving, drafting notes to send
the Pope. He’s round the bend,
Saints blast him!


Brother Quintillius – grating his teeth – to Brother Reinhardt:

I’m angry now! The modern fool!
Interfering with monastic rule!
Confound this megabytic tool –
God – ? Smite him!


Brother Reinhardt – punching and kicking the air before him –
to Brother Severinus:


Wir mussen akt, mein Bruderlein,
geschmack him vehr zuh sonne don’ schein!
His schtupid arsch gekicken, nein?
Zuh dipschtik!


Brother Severinus – lower lip quivering uncontrollably –
to Brother Tertullian:


Let’s all go back into our cells.
Drink holy wine; get drunk as hell.
Then thrash him! Chuck him down the well –
damn scumbag!


Brother Tertullian – with a malevolent laugh – to Brother Urbanus
and all the brethren:

Tut-tut! Please – reason, brethren dear.
Remember Church tradition here.
Let’s first instill the utmost fear…
then scourge him!


Brother Urbanus – eyes blazing disastrously – to Brother Venantius:

Yes! Umpteen lashes for the pest!
Cut ribbons off his scurvy flesh!
Let’s make his back a soggy mess –
then torch him!


Brother Venantius, shrieking insanely, arms raised to the heavens:

No! Nail him naked to a cross!
We’ll show the bastard who’s the boss!
His heathen soul will be no loss!
Kill! Kill him!




Abbot Willibald, emerging from his office:

Has anyone seen good Cardinal Shea,
the Papal Legate, due today?
He’s incognito, so they say –
God bless him…


From ‘Epigrams’



Note: I sincerely apologise for this piece of nonsense, but it does warn readers in the main introduction to The Igam-Ogam Mabinogion to be prepared for the ‘downright daft’. I had intended another episode of Dialogues without Words, but time has not allowed, and this was much easier to do. Monkey Business, though, might bring a chuckle or two along with a spot of cheer into the bleak conditions which many of us now have to tolerate; I am thinking particularly of all my friends in ‘Annwyl Wlâd Mam a Thâd’ weathering the bitter winds and snow under lockdown conditions. Cheers to you all!

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